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    Surprising moments of upset - Oct 2nd, 2009
    One of the hard parts about grief is not knowing when it’s going to hit. I can be going about my day quite happily one moment and the next moment I have tears streaming down my face. I never know what’s going to trigger those tears and I am often surprised by what does or doesn’t cause me to become upset. Today was one of those surprising moments of upset. [more...]

    Just a widow myth - Oct 1st, 2009
    I’ve heard a lot of things over the past five months that have taken me by surprise. From “helpful” comments about how I should be grieving to hurtful questions asked by people wondering if there was anything I could have done to prevent Paul’s death. I try to remind myself that people just don’t realize what they’re saying and that no one means any harm by the questions asked and comments made. I’ve spent some time visiting online forums about grieving, some specifically geared toward young window(er)s, and have found that the questions and comments I’ve received are very similar to the experiences of others. [more...]

    The confluence of seasons - Sep 28th, 2009
    There’s a crispness in the air now that autumn has started to settle in after a long summer. I’ve always enjoyed the confluence of seasons; it’s an awkward meeting between weather patterns—one anxious to begin its reign whilst the other tries in vain to retain its glory. There will be a few weeks of battle before the summer finally fades, giving way to the changing colours of the trees. [more...]

    It’s not contagious - Sep 24th, 2009
    I met a man the other day who lost his wife not long ago. He is now faced with raising his young children alone and is feeling very lost in the world without his partner. And I hate that I understand oh-so-well what that means. While it’s not nice to learn that someone else is walking this lonely path of widow(er)hood, I found it oddly comforting to hear his words of confusion as to why the world seems so afraid of us. I suppose that his similar experiences help me feel a little less self-conscious about my own place in the world. [more...]

    Finding the things I can control, and taking charge - Sep 17th, 2009
    When I was operating Frances 2.0, I would most often be found with amazing vintage accessories—mostly in the form of handbags from the 1920s-60s. (And bonus points to Paul for encouraging my vintage accessory collection so much that he allowed me the largest closet in the house to store it all!) But when the occasion called for it I would use a “modern” bag because they tend to be more practical if you want to carry more useless junk. [more...]

    Do I have the courage to start over? - Sep 15th, 2009
    I’m in this really weird place right now where I don’t want to let go of the past but I don’t want to move forward. I really loved my old future. I worked really hard and was rewarded with a wonderful husband, a lovely home, and a job I enjoyed. I was just about to have the added reward of two lovely children to call me Mom. My future looked amazing and I was really excited to have such a great life. I was going to grow old with Paul, and the two of us were going to play with our grandchildren one day… [more...]

    I hate fancy hotels - Sep 13th, 2009
    I spent the last few days in a fancy-schmancy hotel in downtown Seattle. And being there made me realize how much I miss Paul; how very lonely I am without him. I was in Seattle for work—a bi-annual event that Paul would normally accompany me to. We’d stay in the fancy hotel, go out for a fancy dinner, then sit in the hotel lounge drinking martinis in our best “la-de-da” fashion. I always looked forward to these trips because of the time I’d spend with Paul. [more...]

    First holiday - Sep 8th, 2009
    I’m taking a holiday in November, and I should be extremely excited about it. I’m going to Scotland, the place where I feel most at home, despite the fact that it’s nearly 6,000 miles from where I’m from. It’s still more than two months away, but I’m already finding myself anxious about the trip. [more...]

    Venice: A random happy memory - Sep 6th, 2009
    It’s not all doom and gloom in my mind. Some days—most days—I think about the happy moments I shared with Paul and I even manage a laugh or a smile in between tears. Today I got to thinking about our trip to Venice, Italy, way back in spring 2004. It was truly one of my most memorable holidays. Ever. [more...]

    Etchings in stone - Sep 5th, 2009
    Paul’s grave marker was placed at the cemetery in England last week, and his family sent photos of it so that I could see how it looked. At 35 years old, I never thought I’d be looking at my husband’s name etched on a headstone. It was so very strange seeing the photos – his name there alongside his parents’ names. I can’t really describe the emotions I felt, but they brought tears and heartache. [more...]

    We never had that conversation - Sep 4th, 2009
    Typical of so many couples, Paul and I never spoke in specific terms about funerals. We’d chat here-and-there about things, but neither of ever said “When I die I want the following…” We were both so very healthy and young; I suppose it never seemed to be such an immediate need. It was just a few hours after Paul died that my Dad arrived and later started asking me questions about what I wanted to do. I was in such a daze; I didn’t even fully comprehend what was happening and all of the sudden I had to start making decisions. [more...]

    A childish visit - Sep 2nd, 2009
    Flik and Haden came to visit for a few days. I think they really came to meet and visit with the cat, Schrodie, and just tolerated hangin’ with Aunt Frannie. [more...]

    I know I’ve got his love - Aug 26th, 2009
    Four months ago today, my entire world was shaken to the core and all of the certainty I’d come to rely on was taken from me in a single moment. I went from being a happily married woman getting ready to start a family through adoption to a grieving, childless widow. I never knew how suddenly life could go from amazingly wonderful to frighteningly lonely. [more...]

    Vanity, thy name is widow - Aug 22nd, 2009
    I was a lucky woman. I had a wonderful husband who always wanted me to have the best things in life. He wanted me to shop and buy new clothes – clothes from high-end shops, and not from the sales rack. He wanted me to spoil myself at the spa, have facials and manicures, massages, and expensive haircuts. It wasn’t that he didn’t like how I looked or the clothes I wore, he just thought that I worked hard and deserved to treat myself. But I never did enjoy shopping and I’ve always hated to part with money. Plus, going for a spa after work or on the weekend was time away from Paul and I always wanted to get home to my wonderful husband. [more...]

    Silent weekends - Aug 21st, 2009
    It’s Friday. I used to really love Fridays – it meant the start of a weekend, which meant two full days with Paul. I remember trying to wrangle a way to leave the office early, if only by 15 minutes because it meant that little bit of extra time “doing nothing” with Paul. Friday meant staying up a bit later, maybe having a drink or two, or maybe going out for dinner. Sometimes, Friday meant getting in the car to go away for the weekend. [more...]

    Who do I share the good things with? - Aug 19th, 2009
    When you lose your partner, you lose so many things that you may not even realize you had. I’m still learning what those losses are, and I’m sure I’ll share many of them here as I figure out Version 3.0 – and all the quirks that go along with it. From the beginning I realized that one of the big things I lost was my confidant – which is something that I never truly had before meeting Paul and after seven years of having someone to share my thoughts and feeling with, it’s difficult to lose. [more...]

    How am I? Do you really want to know? - Aug 18th, 2009
    We’ve all heard the question a million times before: How are you? We’ve all asked the question a million times before, too. What I’ve found recently is that the way the question is asked has changed. Where in the past, people asked in a slightly upbeat voice and expected the obligatory “I’m fine” for a response, they now ask in hushed and concerned tones, in a more meaningful way. But for the most part, people are still hoping for the same response of “I’m fine” because that’s the socially acceptable answer. [more...]

    Learning to breathe again - Aug 16th, 2009
    There are certain things in life that we take for granted. Breathing is one of them. Before Paul died, I don’t know that I ever really thought about my breathing patterns. I just did it – even when I was an active runner, an activity that is not yet compatible with Version 3.0, I just took one breath after another. Yes, I would alter how those breaths were taken, but it was second nature – no thought required. [more...]

    Learning curve - Aug 14th, 2009
    Version 3.0 is scary. Maybe it’s because I don’t understand it; maybe it’s because there’s no rule book; maybe it’s because there’s no one to help explain the new features because I’m an early adopter of the program. For whatever reason, I’m scared to death (no pun intended). Versions 1 & 2 were easier – I was able to anticipate so many of the glitches because I watched so many people operating on similar programs. I’m in uncharted territory now! [more...]

    The end was only the beginning - Aug 13th, 2009
    Paul and I met in Scotland on February 6, 2002. We hit it off instantly and on May 21, 2005, we were married and we settled in Washington State. We were in the process of starting a family through adoption before Paul died, just the day before we were talking about excitedly about the young boy and girl who were to come stay with us in just two weeks’ time. [more...]

    Frances 3.0: An introduction - Aug 13th, 2009
    My name is Frances, and I am officially entering into my third version of being. Let me start by telling you a bit about the first two versions because the rest of this blog will surely be heavily populated with tales of Frances 3.0. [more...]

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