Just Frances

Made with 100% pure awesomeness.

All entries tagged with “paul”

    Loading

    Two years - Apr 26th, 2011
    It’s been two years since Paul died, leaving me here to live in this world without him. When we promised ‘Until death do us part’ I imagined more time; I imagined children and grandchildren and wrinkles and old-age dementia. [more...]

    A hard day on the home front - Apr 22nd, 2011
    It’s been a hard day since the realisation that I will be leaving my house in less than three months. It’s so sad to know that I’m leaving this place where dreams once grew and laughter was shared between a hopeful husband and wife. [more...]

    Choices - Apr 15th, 2011
    I’m sure you’ve gleaned by now that I’m very anxious and frightened about my future. And I bet some people wonder why I’m putting myself through this major life change when I’m faced with so much uncertainty. You’d be forgiven for thinking that, especially if you don’t know the whole story. [more...]

    Found in the rubble - Apr 12th, 2011
    I whine a lot about all that I lost nearly two years ago when Paul died. And I’ll probably whine a lot more because I really lost so much. But this post isn’t about my loss; it’s about what I’ve gained, because it’s time I call a couple of people out of the rubble. [more...]

    Music lessons - Apr 10th, 2011
    It was about a year ago when I first loaded music onto my niece’s iPod. Her mom didn’t (and still doesn’t) have iTunes so her only music was from my collection; which meant her Uncle Paul’s collection, too. We randomly loaded as much music on as would fit and I told her to let me know what she liked and didn’t like and the next time she came to visit we could be pickier about how to use her 8GB of space. [more...]

    Amputated at the heart - Apr 9th, 2011
    Grief is one of those things you can’t really explain to someone who hasn’t gone through it. Even those of us who’ve experienced extreme grief of losing a spouse can’t know the emotional rollercoaster the widow(er) next to us is on. [more...]

    Don’t say these things - Apr 6th, 2011
    Maybe you’ve heard me say it before, but when Paul died people said some pretty stupid things to me. And maybe you’ve also heard me mention that I started writing them down because I found it to be therapeutic. [more...]

    The proof is in the pudding - Apr 2nd, 2011
    A few weeks after we got married, Paul asked me to make rice pudding. I’d never made it before but found an American recipe and got to cooking. The end result was a happy me—because it turned out just as I would expect an American version of rice pudding to turn out—and an unhappy Paul—because it was nothing like he expected. [more...]

    April - Apr 1st, 2011
    April is upon us again and if I’m honest I’m dreading the entire month. [more...]

    Seven years ago today - Mar 31st, 2011
    Seven years ago today, Paul proposed marriage to me when we were in Venice. So, I thought that I’d share the story with you today. Readers of my no-longer-updated-but-still-online ‘grief blog’ may remember this story from its original posting. [more...]

    Paperwork - Mar 28th, 2011
    I’ve spent much of the weekend going through Paul’s old university newspapers and clippings. It’s strange because many of the stories feel like ghosted memories to me since Paul quite often shared tales of his days at the University of Edinburgh. [more...]

    A light bulb moment - Mar 24th, 2011
    One of the things on the ‘to-do list’ before Paul died was to purchase new bedroom furniture—including bedside tables and lamps. We had everything picked out; it was just a matter of going to get them. But all of the sudden, it didn’t seem important. [more...]

    Springy - Mar 21st, 2011
    Today is the first day of spring, but despite the cluster of purple crocus sprouting up just outside my kitchen door, it doesn’t feel like spring. Still, the calendar insists it is, so I suppose spring has now officially sprung. [more...]

    Struggling with apathy - Mar 20th, 2011
    I have these conversations in my head where I shout at myself for being so stressed and unhappy and apathetic, then I tell myself to just stick it out because I will snap out of it as soon as I’m done working and I’ve moved to Scotland. [more...]

    The trouble with Bob and Dave - Mar 19th, 2011
    Bob and Dave are my kidneys. Bob to my left; Dave to my right. Both are riddled with cysts and are considerably larger than normal kidneys. Bob is nearly double the average kidney size; Dave is a big’un, too, though slightly smaller than Bob. [more...]

    Laughter from above - Mar 14th, 2011
    I think Paul laughed at me today. No, I’m certain he rolled on the floors of Heaven with extreme belly laughs. I think that he did some tisking under his breath and all. Why? Well let me tell you a little story… [more...]

    With this ring - Feb 23rd, 2011
    The last thing I expected from Paul when we took a mini-break to Venice back in spring 2004 was an engagement ring. I mean, I thought we were heading that way, but I didn’t expect the question right then. (But I said yes without skipping a beat!) [more...]

    Passing the baton - Feb 20th, 2011
    I think that one of the saddest things about not having children is the knowledge that there’s no one to pass on your traditions to. Paul and I were so excited about adopting and that was one of the exciting things for us: Passing on our knowledge, love, and traditions to future generations. [more...]

    Sorting swords - Feb 20th, 2011
    I finally got around to sorting through some of Paul’s stuff. In this case, it was a pile of stock leftover from his eBay business. In total, there are about 50 swords in the pile—and I have no idea what to do with them! [more...]

    100 random things - Feb 17th, 2011
    My friend posted a list of 100 random things her daughter wrote about herself out of boredom and I thought I’d give it a shot and create my own list. So, if you’re not already bored, this should help… [more...]

    A year of Just Frances - Feb 15th, 2011
    It’s been a year since I started Just Frances. Whilst it’s certainly not my first blog, it is unique in that I’ve actually put my name and face to it! [more...]

    A valentine-less Valentine’s Day - Feb 14th, 2011
    I’ve always been a bit put off with Valentine’s Day. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I was never the girl who got the boy in school. I was the weird one, a Tom boy, and a loner and frankly got a bit disgusted with the whole process as a child. [more...]

    Nine years ago - Feb 6th, 2011
    Nine years ago today, my intended life plans changed. Only I didn’t know it at the time. [more...]

    Food woes - Jan 26th, 2011
    I’ve been noticing in recent weeks that I’m not eating enough and I need to work on that. Before Paul died my diet and exercise routine was fantastic. [more...]

    We forgot the camera - Jan 18th, 2011
    I almost never go into the upstairs of the house these days because the only things up there are two guest rooms and storage. But I’ve decided to bring the desk down from the small guest room for my foster daughter to use, so I went up this morning to measure it so that I know where to put it when it comes downstairs next weekend. [more...]

    I’m [not] Scottish - Jan 5th, 2011
    I am American, born and bred to American parents. My ancestors are Germans from Russia. This means that I am not, contrary to the insistence of some, Scottish. (But I hope to be one day!) [more...]

    Reflections of 2010 - Dec 31st, 2010
    As 2010 draws to a close, I find myself reflecting on the past year. And if I’m honest, I have to admit that it was a very difficult year and one that I am very glad to put behind me. [more...]

    Everybody hurts, sometimes - Dec 22nd, 2010
    I’ve really been struggling through this holiday season—much more than last year when I was still in a bit of shock and disbelief over the fact that I no longer had Paul to share Christmas mornings with. The loneliness and sadness just seems so much worse this year. Much, much worse. [more...]

    I miss dinner parties - Dec 20th, 2010
    Shortly after we got married Paul and I started a new tradition of monthly dinner parties. Parties to which we were the only guests. It began with Paul’s birthday when I asked where he wanted to go for dinner. And he requested a five-course meal at home. [more...]

    Venice videos - Dec 18th, 2010
    I don’t know what made me start looking at all of these old videos, but I have been and it’s making me smile so I’m sharing them with all of you. [more...]

    Water, water, everywhere - Dec 14th, 2010
    I had a long, partly mostly tear-filled conversation with a friend today where I went on and on about many of the fears and uncertainties that I’m facing as I start looking toward my future. And he commented about how I need to stop looking at the glass as half empty and start looking at it as half full. [more...]

    Time or distance? - Dec 5th, 2010
    Today I had all intentions of doing 8 miles on the treadmill at the gym. I was free of the kid for a few hours so had the time to take it easy and not worry about how long it took. I figured I’d run a couple miles, walk a couple miles, run a couple miles, and then walk the rest. [more...]

    I’m goin’ for it! - Nov 30th, 2010
    I’m a runner. I have been since school when I ran on the cross country team. I enjoy running. Really, I do. But I never wanted to run a marathon. I thought maybe I’d do a half-marathon at some point, but 26.2 miles? I don’t think so. [more...]

    No-bake cookies - Nov 28th, 2010
    I remember the first time I made no-bake cookies for Paul. He came home from work, looked at the plate of cookies on the kitchen counter and made sounds of disgust. Those sounds were louder when I told him what was in them. [more...]

    A birthday remembered - Nov 27th, 2010
    Today isn’t what it’s meant to be. Instead of me baking a cake for Paul’s 49th birthday, I’m stuck remembering that he only made it as far as 47. Instead of him opening cards and presents with the excitement of a small child, I’m left wondering what I would have gotten for him if he was here. [more...]

    Tearful but thankful - Nov 26th, 2010
    Well, it would seem that I wasn’t meant to have a proper Thanksgiving this year. I wished for one, and even invited family and friends to join me, but no one was able to come. So instead, I decided that I would make the trip to my homeland to share a traditional turkey dinner with my parents and one of my sisters and her family. [more...]

    Fire and wine - Nov 24th, 2010
    It’s been a very long week. A very, very long week. But whilst last Tuesday ended with my going to bed sobbing and crying, this Tuesday is ending with me feeling happy and having a smile on my face. [more...]

    Scotland: A rocky start; but home for my heart - Nov 18th, 2010
    It was September 2001. I was 27 years old and travelling off of the North American continent for the first time in my life. No, that’s not true. I had just been to Hawaii a few months prior. But I digress… It was my first time using a passport at least. [more...]

    The hard days - Nov 8th, 2010
    The thing about grief is that sometimes it just hits you out of nowhere. Yesterday was such a great day. I really enjoyed spending time in my sister’s kitchen making blagenda. It was a happy day full of laughter. I thought about Paul throughout the day, but I always do. [more...]

    Food foibles - Nov 4th, 2010
    So I think I’m a mild food hoarder. Or that I have some weird food obsessions. Or both. I’ve known it for years but mostly lived alone as an adult which made it easier to deal with. [more...]

    Sicky - Nov 2nd, 2010
    The day started out OK. I was a bit tired and run-down feeling, but it’s Monday and it was a pretty busy weekend so it wasn’t too surprising to be a bit blah feeling. What was surprising is that a few minutes into an 11 o’clock meeting I started to feel lightheaded and dizzy. [more...]

    A-Z poetry (Hey! That rhymes!) - Oct 23rd, 2010
    Today’s writing lesson was an A-Z poem where the first letter of each line forms the alphabet in alphabetical order. It was a bit challenging because I often use these writing assignments to reflect on my emotions rather than just silliness, but I do love a good challenge! So, without further ado… [more...]

    Learning to cope [?] - Oct 21st, 2010
    It’s been nearly a month since I posted about being stressed and unhappy and I hate to admit that not much has changed. I’ve had happy moments in between now and then and I’ve laughed and enjoyed life, but it’s all been marred by the sadness I’m feeling—and much of that joy was being faked if I’m completely honest. [more...]

    10 on 10-10-10 - Oct 10th, 2010
    WooHoo! Today is 10-10-10 and I’ve just run a 10K. Yay! This makes me happy because: [more...]

    The cure - Oct 9th, 2010
    As a kid, I remember Grandpa Eberle talking about the best way to get rid of a cold: A shot (or two?) of Brandy, a hot shower, and a warm bed. I think even then I realized that he was basically saying: “If you have a couple of drinks then take a hot shower, you’ll pass out. By the time you wake up, your body will have fought the cold." [more...]

    Scarily unexcited - Oct 5th, 2010
    Halloween is less than four weeks away and I am anything but excited about it. In fact, there is this niggling feeling of apprehension about what once was a favorite holiday. If I had my way, the day wouldn’t happen; the kid wouldn’t trick-or-treat and I would turn off the house lights so that no one came to the house for treats, either. [more...]

    Unhappily stressed - Sep 25th, 2010
    I’m really struggling this week. Actually, I’ve been struggling for a couple of weeks now. I’m sad and I feel quite helpless about it. I’m trying to cheer myself up but I can’t seem to manage it. I am pretty certain it’s just stress and worry; not depression. [more...]

    Closer to a better tomorrow - Sep 18th, 2010
    Today’s quote from my “Be Good to Yourself” calendar came at just the right time. For a few weeks now I’ve been telling myself to get in gear and start working toward next year when I hope plan to attend graduate school in the UK. [more...]

    Fancy hotels - Sep 17th, 2010
    Faithful readers of other rubbish I’ve written since Paul died will remember the struggle I had the first time I found myself having to travel to Seattle for work on my own. There was something very wrong about staying in a 5-Star hotel without Paul. [more...]

    That’s me home [?] - Sep 15th, 2010
    Well, that’s me home again to the great US of A. But you know what? I don’t feel that I’ve come home. I feel like I’ve come back to where I live; to where I’m from. [more...]

     < 1 2 3 4 >