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All entries tagged with “sad”

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    Prioritising me - Jan 31st, 2014
    When I wake up tomorrow it will be February; the shortest month in the calendar year and my birthday month. Yes, by the end of the month I will finally be a 40-year-old woman. I’m not freaked out about that (yet!) because age is only a number, but I do admit that my birthdays have been (in general) times of personal reflection in recent years. Only this year, the reflection has begun a bit early. [more...]

    On the other hand - Jan 21st, 2014
    I was half-way over the Atlantic when I moved my wedding rings from my left hand to my right; I had made the decision several weeks earlier that on my return to Scotland I would make the transfer—though that didn’t make it any easier. [more...]

    Thirty nine before 40 - Jan 13th, 2014
    My 30s are nearly over. Yes, in just 39 days my age will tick over from 39 to 40. I’m not stressed or upset about that because I don’t believe that age represents oldness, but I admit that I have spent a bit of time reflecting on the ups-and-downs of the last decade. [more...]

    A new me for a new year - Jan 1st, 2014
    It’s a new year, so it’s time for a new me. OK, not a new me, but hopefully an improved me. Yes, it’s time to take charge of my life and fix a few things. [more...]

    2013: A year in (distorted) review - Dec 31st, 2013
    As 2013 draws to a close, I find myself reflecting on the year’s ups and downs. I’ve been thinking about the good points and the bad points and all of the points in between and I’ve been trying to think of how to recap the year. [more...]

    Lumpy but normal: My (irrational?) breast cancer scare - Dec 16th, 2013
    It started nearly six weeks ago. It was a Wednesday morning; early. I was experiencing high stress levels at the time, so it wasn’t surprising that I was awake at 3 o’clock in the morning. And as I was awake, lying in bed unable to sleep, I did a breast exam. [more...]

    That old settled feeling - Dec 8th, 2013
    It's been nearly a month since my return to Scotland and I am finally starting to feel a bit settled. In fact, I'm feeling settled for the first time in more than a year. Which is a nice feeling, to be certain! [more...]

    Birthday celebrations - Nov 27th, 2013
    Birthdays are to be celebrated. Always. Even if that celebration is as simple as an inward smile and the reflection on happy memories of birthdays past. [more...]

    Under attack - Nov 12th, 2013
    Today has not been my best day. I knew it would be a hard one, as I was saying goodbye to my parents ahead of tomorrow’s return to Scotland, but I didn’t expect the day I had. [more...]

    The hard things - Nov 11th, 2013
    I'm packing my suitcases this evening for another return to Scotland. After two months in the Homeland, it's a bit hard to say goodbye again. But it would have been hard after two weeks or two years. It's hard because no matter how much I love Scotland and my life there, I love the Homeland and my wonderful family and friends. [more...]

    Autumn falls - Oct 18th, 2013
    Ta-da! This is my latest swirl, Autumn Falls. I swirled it whilst sitting in my parents' living room over about a week's time—whilst sitting in a lovely, comfy arm chair that Paul and I purchased for our home from a little antique store. [more...]

    Home or away - Oct 2nd, 2013
    I’ve been here in the Homeland for nearly a month now, but I’m finding it hard to say that I’m “home”. It’s a confusing and unsettled part about being an expat: I am constantly torn between two homes and I never know which place to call home when I’m asked the question. [more...]

    Frustrations and silver linings - Oct 1st, 2013
    Today is October 1, which was my target date for beginning my PhD studies. Only I'm not in Scotland at the moment because I've not sorted out my visa. It's a little frustrating, but I have found several silver linings to it all, so that's OK I suppose. [more...]

    On being happy - Sep 25th, 2013
    In the past few weeks, I’ve noticed an increase in conversations around happiness and depression so I thought I’d throw some of my own words into the mix. You know, because the Internet needs more opinions! [more...]

    Changing challenges - Sep 14th, 2013
    I have had the worst luck with my 2013 Race a Month Challenge. In fact, I knew a couple of months ago that the odds of success were heavily stacked against me. And as my efforts to make up for lost time haven't worked, I have finally decided to give up. Well, I have finally decided to change the focus of my challenge at least. [more...]

    Grave digging - Sep 9th, 2013
    I went to the cemetery to see Paul today, and ended up digging away under his headstone. I hadn't really planned on that, or I'd have taken a spoon with me! [more...]

    Hello, America - Sep 6th, 2013
    I am finally back in America after more than two years in Scotland—and after two emotionally draining days of international travel. I can't really say that I'm excited to be home yet because there are just too many uncertainties to face in the days ahead, but I know that I will enjoy my time here visiting with family and friends. [more...]

    Goodbye, Scotland - Sep 4th, 2013
    I’m on the train to England now and will be flying home to America tomorrow morning. It’s weird because part of me feels like I am only going away on a wee holiday, but the other part of me fears this may be forever. [more...]

    Empty fears - Sep 2nd, 2013
    My flat is now nearly empty. The only things that remain (other than the furnishings belonging to the property) are my (nearly) packed suitcases that I’m taking to America. And me. Yes, I have two more nights in this empty flat before I leave Scotland for what I hope will just be a few weeks’ time. [more...]

    The daydream - Sep 1st, 2013
    I daydream. I always have and I always will. I suppose that it’s harmless, though it does sometimes mean that I pin a bit of hope on the happy endings I (almost) always allow myself in my fantasies. [more...]

    Non-goodbye goodbyes - Aug 28th, 2013
    Today was my last day of work. Only I'm technically still working for the organisation until Friday. Only I'm also planning on returning in a month's time. So I kind of said goodbye to my [former?] co-workers today. But it’s weird because it’s not really goodbye. [more...]

    Finding rainbows through the tears - Aug 26th, 2013
    I’m not a big fan of the rain but when the skies open up I do find myself looking—and hoping—for a rainbow. Rainbows make me smile; they make me happy; they warm my soul. So, I’ve decided that I will try something new by looking—and hoping—for a rainbow in my tears. You know, because tears are sort of like rain. [more...]

    Taunting weakness - Aug 19th, 2013
    My weaknesses taunt me. They prevent me from truly loving myself and they make me doubt every thread of my being. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make them go away, but I can’t. [more...]

    Packing up—again! - Aug 18th, 2013
    I am packing my home yet again and it’s filling me with a sense of dread and panic. It shouldn’t be so difficult, but it is—in part because I don’t have a clear path in front of me; I don’t actually know what happens when I leave my flat. [more...]

    Slamming doors; breaking hearts - Aug 15th, 2013
    It started a couple of years ago. There was a boy. I liked him and I thought he liked me. But he wasn’t willing to commit. He didn’t want me as his girlfriend; he just wanted me as a play toy. So I walked away. [more...]

    When I close my eyes - Aug 12th, 2013
    Sometimes I like to close my eyes and imagine the life I want. It’s by no means an extravagant life—it doesn’t even include winning the lottery—but it’s the life I dream of having. [more...]

    Forgiving a ghost - Aug 4th, 2013
    It’s been 20 years since I last saw him. Twenty years since he caused me an unimaginable amount of pain—pain that has stayed with me all this time. And it’s been 19 years since he died. Nineteen years since that drug-fuelled accident claimed his life; though some had questioned if it was, in fact, an accident. [more...]

    A world of stress - Jul 31st, 2013
    The world seems to be closing in on me right now and it’s destroying my soul. The only thing that is saving me from a complete meltdown is knowing that soon—very soon—some of today’s stresses will naturally resolve themselves. [more...]

    Rained out - Jul 28th, 2013
    Today I was meant to run the Donkey Brae 7-Miler in Aberdour, only the rain scuppered my plans. Not because I can’t run in the rain. Not because the race was cancelled. Rather, it was because my ceiling fell in. [more...]

    Sleep evades - Jul 22nd, 2013
    I’ve had a couple of sleepless weeks and it’s starting to show in my face. Despite the many happy things happening, there are many frustrating and stressful things that are interrupting my sleep. [more...]

    A quiet reflection - Jul 11th, 2013
    I’ve been a little quiet lately, and it seems that my absence from the digital world has been noticed. I guess that when people expect to keep up with your life through your website, Facebook, and Twitter accounts, they get a little antsy when you cease using all of them at once. [more...]

    Holiday dilemma - Jun 24th, 2013
    I want to go away on holiday somewhere. It doesn’t have to be far away; just a nice holiday away from home. I want to book into a lovely little B&B in some coastal fishing village where I can explore the local environs. I want to stroll along the beach collecting interesting shells or pebbles. [more...]

    Snail lessons - Jun 2nd, 2013
    I’ve spent the weekend out in the garden which has turned into quite the snail lesson for me. [more...]

    Marriage odds - May 21st, 2013
    Eight years ago, I stood at the altar of St John the Baptist Catholic Church and professed my love and dedication to the man who taught me what love was. It was a blessed day filled with joy and laughter and one that I will always remember with happiness. [more...]

    Four years - Apr 26th, 2013
    Life is so very different without Paul and these past four years have been a rollercoaster ride that I never could have imagined. Without Paul, the sad times are sadder, the hard times are harder, and the lonely times are lonelier. [more...]

    Stumbles along the PhD path - Apr 23rd, 2013
    I have just learned that I was unsuccessful in my application for a full-tuition scholarship from the University of Glasgow. I am, to say the least, gutted. I had really wished and hoped that I would be able to waltz into my PhD without financial worries, but it seems that God thinks I’m stronger than that. [more...]

    A runner’s reflection - Apr 16th, 2013
    Yesterday’s news of the bombings in the final stretch of the Boston Marathon has shaken me. Like many runners, the shock of it all has been hard to comprehend. Though I am well-aware that it's not just runners who are at a loss—this senseless act of terror has caused people from around the world to recoil in disbelief. [more...]

    Home is where…? - Mar 29th, 2013
    Home is a hard place for me to define; more so as I don’t know where I will be living over the next few months—and beyond. Frustratingly, it has been a difficult place for me to identify for much of my life because home for me is less of a physical place and more of an emotional place. [more...]

    A Wednesday ramble - Mar 27th, 2013
    I’m going to delve into a short(ish) stream of consciousness for a bit here, because there’s a lot on my mind that I’ve wanted to share, but I can’t really put it into a coherent form. At the same time, I have several people asking me how things are going with my visa and what my plans are for the summer. [more...]

    Software glitch - Mar 16th, 2013
    There is a glitch in Just Frances that I can’t seem to repair. It started when I first got the Frances 3.0 upgrade nearly four years ago and it seems that it can’t be uninstalled. At least not until there’s a new major version for me to download. [more...]

    I fell - Jan 26th, 2013
    The truth is, I fell. I fell really, really hard and I spiralled a bit. OK, maybe I spiralled a lot. [more...]

    So long, 2012! - Dec 31st, 2012
    If I am honest, I would have to say that 2012 has been a pretty unhappy year. I think it’s been even worse because I had such high hopes for it; I suppose that hoping for happiness only served to set me up for greater disappointments. [more...]

    Only in my dreams - Dec 29th, 2012
    There is a man who appears in my dreams who isn’t Paul. In my dreams, we’re madly in love. And much like the widow dreams I still have, these dreams are different each time. Sometimes happy; sometimes sad. But always a dream; never a reality. [more...]

    Survived - Dec 26th, 2012
    I managed to survive Christmas alone. I won’t lie and say that it was easy. In fact, it was so very hard. My broken heart ached all day long as I watched my Facebook feed fill up with photos of happy families and statuses about the perfect gift from the perfect spouse. [more...]

    Preparing for alone - Dec 22nd, 2012
    I’ve decided to spend Christmas alone this year. I know that sounds silly to some people, but it seems like the right thing to do for me; for my heart. It’s not that I’ve not been invited to spend the day with others; it’s just that it’s hard to spend such a special day in someone else’s home. [more...]

    Failure to launch - Dec 16th, 2012
    Way back in May, I had a failed attempt at re-entering the dating world—and that was after my ego had already been shattered! At the time, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share the story here or not. But it seems to me that the story should be shared because I keep reflecting on it, so it’s obviously something that’s been bothering me. [more...]

    Visa hiccups - Dec 8th, 2012
    It would seem that I am being challenged on my visa journey this time around. And it is so very frustrating! As you may know, I have been trying to switch my visa from a Tier 4 (Student) to a Tier 2 (General Work). But to do that, my employer needed to apply to the UKBA to become a sponsor. [more...]

    To the birthday boy - Nov 27th, 2012
    Another year, another birthday. Only he’s still not here to celebrate. My Paul would be 51 years old today, but instead he will forever be 47. It’s a day of hurt and sadness for me and I find myself missing Paul more than ever when his birthday comes around. [more...]

    The master - Nov 23rd, 2012
    The day you’ve all been waiting for has arrived! Today is the day that I completed one of my life goals. Yes, today is the day that I graduated—with distinction!—from the University of Stirling with a Master of Letters in Media and Culture. [more...]

    New leaves - Nov 20th, 2012
    Graduation is on Friday and I’m really [dreading] looking forward to it. Oops, did you catch that error? [more...]

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