Just Frances

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All entries tagged with “widowhood”

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    An Easter reflection - Apr 8th, 2012
    Easter Sunday is rolling to a close and I’m sitting here thinking about how wonderful my life is because of my Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ. I truly am blessed to have the love of Jesus in my heart and in my soul. He has been a constant in my life and my faith in Him and the salvation He offers has kept me going these past few years. [more...]

    My shattered ego - Mar 8th, 2012
    I’ve gone back and forth over if I would share a specific sliver of my life with you or not. And I almost chose not. But the issue came to light again over the past couple of days and I suppose I feel a bit compelled to share it now. (I don’t know why, because it’s rather humiliating.) [more...]

    Sunday roast - Feb 12th, 2012
    Sunday roast is a pretty big thing here in the UK. So much so that even Paul—a 30+ year vegetarian—insisted that we enjoyed a big Sunday roast (sans dead animal for him!) most weeks. Mostly, we’d just have roasted veg, mashed potatoes, and Yorkshire puddings; sometimes even a bit of boiled cabbage. [more...]

    Booking courage - Jan 26th, 2012
    OK, so you know how I said I was going to treat myself to a wee trip for my birthday this year? The idea really came to me out of the blue. I was thinking about my birthday and realised that I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone on it yet again. [more...]

    One down - Dec 15th, 2011
    Well, today marks the end of my first semester as a postgraduate student. It’s been a crazy and hectic journey to get to this point, but I got here and I’m alive to tell the story! [more...]

    Wants versus needs - Dec 10th, 2011
    Once again, I wanted to spend the day inside, hiding away from the world. I wanted to sit in and sulk and cry and feel sorry for myself. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I imagine that it has a lot to do with the sadness of facing another holiday season without Paul. [more...]

    Forced out - Dec 9th, 2011
    This morning I realised that I haven’t been outside since Monday. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday holed up inside working on my dissertation proposal—and only showered and changed out of my PJs on Wednesday because Rebecca was coming over for dinner. [more...]

    Boxed in - Dec 2nd, 2011
    When I moved to Scotland in August, I sent a couple of large boxes by sea—hoping they’d arrive before Thanksgiving. They didn’t. But they did arrive today. (Yay!) [more...]

    Fifty years ago - Nov 27th, 2011
    Fifty years ago, a great man was born. Today is a guarded celebration of that fact; guarded, because Paul’s not here to join in the merriment. There is no cake. There are no balloons. There isn’t a stack of cards or a pile of presents. [more...]

    A cunning plan - Nov 19th, 2011
    Sometimes, no matter how much thought goes into plans, things don’t work out. From Daedalus and Icarus’ attempt at building wings to escape from Crete to Windows Vista, history is full of failed attempts—despite the extreme cunningness of the plans. [more...]

    Social conscience - Nov 13th, 2011
    Social lives are interesting things—and hard to define at times. Everyone seems to have one or want one. Or they want a better one or a different one or a less chaotic one. Or they laugh about how their children have better social lives than they do! [more...]

    Sugar high - Oct 31st, 2011
    OK, if you’ve been paying attention, you might know that I like candy. No, that’s not true. I love candy. I mean, let’s face it: This is a typical candy stash for me! [more...]

    Secret smiles - Oct 26th, 2011
    There is something to be said about a smile. People who smile are more approachable. They seem friendlier. They seem carefree. They seem happier. [more...]

    Solo - Oct 8th, 2011
    I arrived in Scotland nearly two months ago, and am now on my own for the first time. In fact, I am on my own for the first time since July when I left the home I shared with Paul to stay with my parents for a few weeks before my move. [more...]

    Job done! - Oct 2nd, 2011
    I am now officially a marathon finisher! Can you believe it? No, neither can I. Today’s feat went much, much better than I expected. And now you get to hear all about it! [more...]

    Why run? - Oct 1st, 2011
    I’m running my first—and last—ever marathon in the morning. I’m pretty excited about it, but at the same time I’m rather dreading it. You see, I don’t actually enjoying running exceedingly long distances. 10Ks and 12Ks are fun. [more...]

    Honestly, I’ll keep blogging - Sep 14th, 2011
    It would seem that I’m not very good at this whole blogging thing of late, and I apologise for that. I suppose that it has a lot to do with the fact that I am no longer living in near isolation—meaning I have real life people to talk to—and that I have been running around quite a bit visiting family and friends and getting ready for the start of term. [more...]

    The feathers - Aug 16th, 2011
    A couple of nights before we had services for Paul in England*, a woman I know told me a story about feathers. She said when angels pass by sometimes their feathers fall to the ground. And that our loved ones become our own angels when they die. [more...]

    Widow dreams - Jul 30th, 2011
    For more than two years now, my nights have been haunted with horrible dreams. I call them ‘widow dreams’ and I understand from other widow(er)s that they are very common. [more...]

    An unemployed, homeless transient - Jul 17th, 2011
    Last summer I shared with you my rocky start in life as an illegitimate, homeless transient. Well, it would seem that I’m back to a less-than-ideal lifestyle again. [more...]

    It was a home - Jul 16th, 2011
    Tonight is my last night in my house—the house I purchased with Paul a little over three years ago. This was our home; this was where we planned to start a family; this was where our dreams began to come to life. [more...]

    Cleaning closets - Jul 2nd, 2011
    Well, I’ve finally done it. I’ve finally cleaned out Paul’s side of the closet. It only took more than two years… [more...]

    Stuff hurts - Jun 27th, 2011
    I’m really tired of getting rid of stuff. It really hurts to part with even the most simple of items. I struggle each time I post something on CraigsList or take another trip to GoodWill. [more...]

    Subtracted - Jun 21st, 2011
    Last August I wrote a post titled Plus One, and for the months between then and now my life was thrown into this weird world of foster mommyhood, with a side of grief and widowhood for good measure. It was a time filled with so many mixed emotions. [more...]

    Seller’s blues - Jun 17th, 2011
    For two weeks now, I’ve been selling loads of stuff on CraigsList and I can’t believe how mixed my emotions are at the process. The stuff I’m selling is just stuff; random, run-of-the-mill stuff. It’s not treasured items with high sentimental value. [more...]

    The packing begins - Jun 5th, 2011
    Last weekend the world was really closing in on me. So much so that I had a bit of a breakdown at my folks’ place about the stresses of emptying my house. The process of trying to sell stuff, deciding what to keep, and figuring out how I would manage to get everything I was keeping from my rural home to the homeland more than 200 miles away was just too much. [more...]

    Visa blues - Jun 4th, 2011
    I made my way up to Spokane today for my biometrics appointment as part of my visa application for The Big Move to Scotland. You would think that this news would have me extremely happy, but I just can’t find the joy today. [more...]

    I thought about it - Jun 3rd, 2011
    It’s Friday Eve and my foster daughter had a visit with her mom meaning I was on my own for dinner with plenty of time to go out to a restaurant and eat a meal all on my own. I started thinking about the perfect place for an evening meal. [more...]

    Frances 3.0: Still in Beta - Jun 3rd, 2011
    Let me [re]introduce myself: I am Frances—version 3.x. And, much like all of us, I am still in beta. And now you may be wondering what the heck I’m on about! Let me see if I can clear things up. [more...]

    Who am I really talking to? - Jun 1st, 2011
    My lovely foster daughter is getting ready for a major life change and I’m amazed at how well she’s handling it. (Or how well she’s pretending to handle it?) After living with me since mid-August, she is now preparing to move on to her permanent home—far, far away from where she grew up. [more...]

    Should be - May 21st, 2011
    Today should be my sixth wedding anniversary. It’s the ‘candy’ anniversary, so I should be on a sugar high by now. And Paul should be in a chocolate coma. We should be getting ready to go out for a fancy dinner, too. [more...]

    From happy to crash - May 20th, 2011
    It’s been a bad day. It started good, but then something happened that caused me to come crashing down. I could tell you what that something was, but it’s so silly and makes me look completely and totally insane and unstable which hurts my ego which just makes the crash so much worse, so let’s just say it was something and leave it at that. [more...]

    Final blooms - May 19th, 2011
    We moved into our house on May 15, 2008. About a week later, all of the pink tulips planted along the front side began to bloom. They were truly lovely and we enjoyed bringing them in to adorn the mantle. That autumn, we planted loads of yellow and red tulips to go along with the rest. [more...]

    Lost - May 18th, 2011
    Last month I decided to write a blog post about the one and only “mixed tape” that was ever made for me. Well, I say mixed tape but it was actually a CD; it was titled “So, I Made You A Mixed Tape” and was a gift from Paul a few months before our wedding. [more...]

    For the last time - May 2nd, 2011
    Well folks, the Bloomsday 12K results are in. But I’m going to get all melancholy for a bit before I get to that part. [more...]

    Two years - Apr 26th, 2011
    It’s been two years since Paul died, leaving me here to live in this world without him. When we promised ‘Until death do us part’ I imagined more time; I imagined children and grandchildren and wrinkles and old-age dementia. [more...]

    A hard day on the home front - Apr 22nd, 2011
    It’s been a hard day since the realisation that I will be leaving my house in less than three months. It’s so sad to know that I’m leaving this place where dreams once grew and laughter was shared between a hopeful husband and wife. [more...]

    Choices - Apr 15th, 2011
    I’m sure you’ve gleaned by now that I’m very anxious and frightened about my future. And I bet some people wonder why I’m putting myself through this major life change when I’m faced with so much uncertainty. You’d be forgiven for thinking that, especially if you don’t know the whole story. [more...]

    Amputated at the heart - Apr 9th, 2011
    Grief is one of those things you can’t really explain to someone who hasn’t gone through it. Even those of us who’ve experienced extreme grief of losing a spouse can’t know the emotional rollercoaster the widow(er) next to us is on. [more...]

    Don’t say these things - Apr 6th, 2011
    Maybe you’ve heard me say it before, but when Paul died people said some pretty stupid things to me. And maybe you’ve also heard me mention that I started writing them down because I found it to be therapeutic. [more...]

    April - Apr 1st, 2011
    April is upon us again and if I’m honest I’m dreading the entire month. [more...]

    Seven years ago today - Mar 31st, 2011
    Seven years ago today, Paul proposed marriage to me when we were in Venice. So, I thought that I’d share the story with you today. Readers of my no-longer-updated-but-still-online ‘grief blog’ may remember this story from its original posting. [more...]

    Paperwork - Mar 28th, 2011
    I’ve spent much of the weekend going through Paul’s old university newspapers and clippings. It’s strange because many of the stories feel like ghosted memories to me since Paul quite often shared tales of his days at the University of Edinburgh. [more...]

    D is for deficient - Mar 22nd, 2011
    One of the many tests my doctor ran as part of my annual exam last week was a vitamin D screening. She was worried that with my current diet I wasn’t consuming enough of the vitamin and combined with my lack of interest in outdoor activities, I wasn’t getting any of the stuff from the sun’s amazing co-production facilities. [more...]

    Struggling with apathy - Mar 20th, 2011
    I have these conversations in my head where I shout at myself for being so stressed and unhappy and apathetic, then I tell myself to just stick it out because I will snap out of it as soon as I’m done working and I’ve moved to Scotland. [more...]

    The trouble with Bob and Dave - Mar 19th, 2011
    Bob and Dave are my kidneys. Bob to my left; Dave to my right. Both are riddled with cysts and are considerably larger than normal kidneys. Bob is nearly double the average kidney size; Dave is a big’un, too, though slightly smaller than Bob. [more...]

    Future plans and dreams of the past - Mar 2nd, 2011
    I spent an hour or so transferring my old floppy disks onto my external hard drive today and was very pleased with myself for managing to only open six of the files: Three photos, two obituaries, and one assignment from my Sociology 101 course. [more...]

    Emotional screens - Feb 26th, 2011
    It’s been a bit of a crazy month as I cope with a gazillion emotions swarming around my heart and soul. Then tonight, I sat down with my markers and sketch pad to doodle and—without planning—I came up with what reminds me of one of those beaded screen thingys from the 1970s. [more...]

    With this ring - Feb 23rd, 2011
    The last thing I expected from Paul when we took a mini-break to Venice back in spring 2004 was an engagement ring. I mean, I thought we were heading that way, but I didn’t expect the question right then. (But I said yes without skipping a beat!) [more...]

    Passing the baton - Feb 20th, 2011
    I think that one of the saddest things about not having children is the knowledge that there’s no one to pass on your traditions to. Paul and I were so excited about adopting and that was one of the exciting things for us: Passing on our knowledge, love, and traditions to future generations. [more...]

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