Just Frances

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First kiss fears

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014 by Frances Ryan.
Tags: widowhood, sad, paul, fear, faith, ego, dating, crazy, confession

It’s been nearly five years since I last kissed my husband goodnight. It’s been that long since I’ve fallen asleep in his arms; since I’ve felt completely safe and completely loved. And I miss those things so very much.

As I prepare myself for making a more intentional attempt at dating, I’m realising that I’m going to have to kiss someone again*. I’m going to have to let go of my fears and let someone get close to me; I’m going to have to let someone make me feel vulnerable—and hopefully loved.

I am a little excited about first kisses and the electrifying joy they may bring. I’m excited about the idea of meeting someone to laugh with and talk with and hold hands with—someone to just be happy with.

But I’m afraid of first kisses, too. I’m afraid of first fights. I’m afraid of first holidays. I’m afraid of first evenings snuggled on the couch watching a movie. Mostly, I’m afraid that if I try dating again, I might fail. And I don’t know that I can handle the pain of failure.

It’s funny, I wasn’t afraid of first kisses before I met Paul. And you’d think that at 40 years old, I would have enough experience to not be afraid now. But I guess that life’s lessons have left me a little bit timid and a little bit scarred.

Still, the best way to tackle fear is head-on and with determination—so bring on the frogs and let’s see if I can find me a prince!

* In fairness, I have had couple of kisses since Paul died, all from a man I know who I thought liked me. But, sadly, it turns out his intentions were dishonourable and deceitful, leaving me hurt and humiliated—and adding to my fears of re-entering the dating (and kissing) game!

Comments

I can’t imagine how scary it must be to think of kissing someone new. I know that your Paul would be so happy for you to date, and you know that too, but I guess that doesn’t mean that you can just start kissing people willy-nilly.

Just remember to take things at a pace you’re happy with. If you meet someone and feel the desire to kiss them, then kiss them! If you meet someone and don’t want to kiss them, don’t. Maybe the hesitation to kiss is a gut feeling and not a Paul feeling so that’s OK. Just take it slow and easy. You’ll be fine and we’ll all be here to cheer you on.

You’re amazing and we all love you!

by Jenn at 8:39am (GMT) on March 19th, 2014

yep, what jenn says. i know you’re nervous but you’ll be ok. any man who lands you will be the lucky bastard on earth and if he doesn’t know it, he doesn’t deserve you. i’m sorry that you have to put your heart and soul on the line like this but we both know it’s the only way to find someone. that person won’t replace paul but he will certainly make your heart just as happy!

you are loved,
m&ms; candy man
xoxox

by mm at 11:13am (GMT) on March 19th, 2014

Thanks, you two! I know I shouldn’t stress about it and that I should just let things unfold as they happen, but I worry that I’ll end up meeting people who are just up for “a good time” and not a relationship - and I want the relationship! (I’m happy for a good time, too, but only as part of a longer commitment.)

A friend suggested I start with kissing strangers then slowly work my way up to kissing people I really like, but I am one of those weird people who thinks that any physical intimacy needs to be reserved for people you like - and who you want a commitment with. (So old fashioned, I know!)

Anyhow, thank you. I don’t know that I’ll share my “first kiss” here but I’m sure it will happen eventually… (?)

by Just Frances at 11:41am (GMT) on March 19th, 2014

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