Hope does it
Yesterday I shared a big part of my soul by admitting that I fell so hard that I frightened myself. So today I thought I’d share the thing that kept me going; the thing that made it possible for me to get back up.
And that thing is hope.
Every time I wanted to give up, every time I wanted to shut out the world and let God take me away from it all, there was a voice inside of my head telling me I couldn’t give up because tomorrow might be the day it all gets better.
Every time I wondered what the world would be like if I was gone, there was a voice in my head that said I couldn’t find out because there was too much living to do.
Every time I sat there thinking my life was a mess and that everything about it was hopeless and worthless, there was a voice in my head telling me that tomorrow would look brighter; that tomorrow there would be new opportunities.
Every time I began to think that the world was an evil place and that I wanted to stop believing that there was joy to be found, there was a voice in my head telling me I was being cynical and that I needed to keep my faith in humanity; that, despite the ‘sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world’.
So yes; I fell really hard and I cried and cried and wished that I wasn’t part of this world. But no matter how low I got, there was hope. No matter how much I wanted to give up, there was hope.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen to me if that little voice in my head stopped telling me that tomorrow will be better. But then that voice gets louder and tells me to stop thinking such silly things; that voice reminds me that as long as there is a breath in my soul, the voice is never going to stop telling me to have hope.
I am happy that voice is there to keep me hoping. And, of course, I am happy that I have so many amazing people around me for the days when the voice is a bit too quiet to hear.
Of course, that same voice is the reason I can’t play the slots because no matter how many times I lose, it tells me that the next pull might make me a winner. And that’s when I try to ignore the voice. (And that’s why I don’t gamble!)