Just Frances

Made with 100% pure awesomeness.

My shattered ego

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 8th, 2012 by Frances Ryan.
Tags: widowhood, sad, lessons, fear, ego, dating, crazy, confession

­I’ve gone back and forth over if I would share a specific sliver of my life with you or not. And I almost chose not. But the issue came to light again over the past couple of days and I suppose I feel a bit compelled to share it now. (I don’t know why, because it’s rather humiliating.)

First, the back story: Nearly two years ago, a couple of ‘helpful’ women in my life decided that I needed to start dating. It had been, after all, a year since my husband died and was therefore time to find a new relationship. They ‘assisted’ by setting up three online dating profiles without my knowledge—and corresponding with a couple of guys they thought would be perfect for me! This didn’t go over very well when I found out, and in fact caused a lot of stress and upset for all sides. (I was being ungrateful and stubborn, or so I was told. We’ve since reconciled but, sadly, there is still a scar on our relationships.)

After I was given the login information, I closed out all but one of accounts they’d created for me. The one that I didn’t close, I made inactive. I don’t know why; hopeful curiosity I suppose. A few months ago, and for reasons I still don’t understand, I decided to check out the site. I logged in, had a wee look, and then logged out. Only logging in meant that my account was no longer inactive. And that meant that someone saw my profile and sent me a message.

When the message came in, I panicked. A lot. But I decided that maybe I’d update the profile and see what happened. I included a quick and cheeky little ‘about me’ section and filled out the rest of the little tick-boxes. What I didn’t do was include public photos, deciding that I would just share photos with men who contacted me and who I was interested in getting to know a bit.

Anyhow, in the weeks to follow four people responded to my profile. And in each instance, we corresponded back-and-forth a couple of times before they requested to see a photo—a request which I obliged. But each of the potential suitors went silent as soon as I did that. Well, that’s not true—one did respond saying I wasn’t what he was looking for.

Ouch.

The experience was very hurtful, and I responded by once again deactivating my profile. Obviously, there is something about my photos that seemed to be turning men away and that really stung my ego in ways that I never imagined.

But, curiosity got the better of me again, so I logged in over the weekend to have a peek. And that meant my account was active again. And you know what? One of those four guys from before sent me a message! He said that he just read my profile and I seemed very interesting, but felt that we’d corresponded before. I replied that I thought we had, but couldn’t be 100% certain. (I lied; I knew for certain that we’d written.)

I decided to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. I mean, maybe he didn’t reply when I’d shared the photo in the past because he was busy. Or maybe he didn’t reply because he lost his computer. Or because he had to go out of town. Or because he was doing that ‘wait a week’ thing and by the time he was ready to respond, I’d deactivated my account.

So, for a couple of days, we wrote back-and-forth. Not a lot, just 2 messages. Then he asked if I had a photo. And I sent one. Only this time he didn’t go silent. This time, he replied. And his reply was ‘I really don’t think we click. I hope you find someone though.’

Ouch. Again.

So, it seems that I am not attractive enough for online dating. (Or maybe I’m too attractive and guys run when they see my photo because they’re intimidated by my beauty?) I suppose not being cut out for online dating is OK though because I wasn’t comfortable about it in the first place.

It’s funny, I’m not really desperate to date. I’m actually rather freaked out at the idea of dating again. I mean, I never imagined I’d have to do that again! But I also have to admit that I like the idea of a nice boy asking me out. I like the idea of sharing a nice meal with someone who makes me laugh. I even like the idea of someone holding my hand as we walk down the street. But I don’t need those things. And if I’m going to meet someone, I’d rather meet them the old fashioned way, like how I met Paul.

Anyhow, I don’t know why I’m sharing this with you because, as I said, it’s a bit humiliating and embarrassing. But, I guess that it makes up for all the times that I share stories about how amazingly awesome I am, too. Kind of an ego-neutraliser of sorts!

Comments

ouch indeed! i can’t believe people/men can be so shallow. ugh.
in my limited and distant experience, a date turns up when you least expect it.

PS: there is nothing visually horrendous about you; i’m puzzled by their reaction #headscratch

by pomomama at 10:57pm (GMT) on March 8th, 2012

You have nothing to worry about, you will meet someone the old fashioned way for sure! Do what you do and he will come! Friends and family and schoolmates are on your side….maybe a golf lesson or volunteer work will scratch the surface of a certain somebody….no worries young Francis!

by Gio at 11:27pm (GMT) on March 8th, 2012

Don’t you dare feel bad about this! Instead feel relieved that you didn’t have to spend much of your valuable time just to find out how shallow these guys truly are. Someone worthy of you will turn up just when you least expect it.

Boo to those jerks and YEAH to the beautiful, charming, intelligent and fabulous Just Frances!

by Helen at 12:13am (GMT) on March 9th, 2012

One guy was a serial killer looking for a specific type and you weren’t it. Another guy didn’t want to date anyone who looked anything like his past failed relationships, and unfortunately you did. Another guy realised you were too classy for him. And the fourth guy found someone else.

by Joanna at 1:58am (GMT) on March 9th, 2012

Eh… boys are dumb. ;-)

And I’m totally with you… I think on-line dating is a waste of time. You’ll meet people you are meant to meet while you are out and about, enjoying the things you love. :) And those are the people worthy of your time and energy.

Love ya, sis! xo

by ThatCookGirl at 2:31am (GMT) on March 9th, 2012

Don’t feel too bad about this - men are such fickle creatures. I’d always go for personality and compatability rather than just looks.
But…..why not treat youself to some kick ass professional pics? And then watch the guys scramble over each other :-)

The tide will turn for you. Keep the faith.

by Just Passing at 4:38am (GMT) on March 9th, 2012

My impression of online dating is that it’s for women who are tired of all the toads they meet in real life. But then all the toads in real life can’t get a date, so they head to online dating. So unfortunately, beautiful, awesome, talented, interesting, creative girls named Frances come in contact with toads. Instead of the prince charmings that only exist in real life:)

by Amy at 8:16am (GMT) on March 9th, 2012

Thank you, everyone! I guess one of the hardest things is that it all made me question my physical appearance, which is madness since I am a good looking woman! I mean, I know I’m not a cover model nor am I someone who gains that head-turning second look, but I certainly don’t think I’m someone to run from! And the guys were just average looking guys, too. Nice looking, but not oh-my-goodness-drop-dead looks.

Yes, I could do some really fancy photos that make me look like a model, but that’s not me. I shared a couple of very nice photos of me and if guys don’t like what they see when I send ‘real’ photos of me, I guess I just need to accept that. Also, I guess I just thought that personality mattered most.

So, I’m back to where I was before: I’m not against the idea of dating, and if I happen to meet someone, that’s great. But I’m not actively searching for someone. This ego-bash is a good reminder to me that you don’t pick love out of a catalogue!

by Just Frances at 2:59pm (GMT) on March 9th, 2012

I met my husband on line… but I had to wade through a lot of frogs to find a prince.  Dont stress on it. When your ready it will happen. One way or another, if there is someone who is supposed to be with you, they will.  He may just be dealing with his own issues right now and when he is ready there youll be.

by Kelli at 7:26am (GMT) on March 18th, 2012

I believe from experiences of people I know similar to yours, that a lot of guys see an actual beautiful, confident woman as yourself and they think they are not good enough for you and therefore you get the responses you received. Men, though seeming strong are very insecure usually, especially if they are in a vulnerable position like looking for someone to date. OR…Joanna is right!! :)

by Ramona at 10:22am (GMT) on March 20th, 2012

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