Just Frances

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Only in my dreams

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 29th, 2012 by Frances Ryan.
Tags: widowhood, sad, poems, happy, dreams, dating, crazy, confession

There is a man who appears in my dreams who isn’t Paul. In my dreams, we’re madly in love. And much like the widow dreams I still have, these dreams are different each time. Sometimes happy; sometimes sad. But always a dream; never a reality.

Sometimes, he’s all mine in those dreams; we’re a couple and we’re oh-so-happy. Sometimes we’re married. Sometimes we have children. Sometimes we’re on a first date. And sometimes we’re good friends who are just becoming more than that.

I like those dreams. I never want to wake up when I’m having them. They make my heart so happy all day long—even though I know it was only a dream that will never come true.

But sometimes in those dreams, he belongs to another and we are merely caught in the misfortunate place of wishing things were different. Sometimes I try to push him away but he continues to pursue me. Sometimes we acknowledge that we can’t be together and we part in tears. And sometimes I ask him to make a choice between me and his partner—and his response varies.

Those are the dreams that make me sad. I’m sad because I’ve dreamt of spending time with another woman’s partner. I’m sad because—even in my dreams—I can’t have the love I want. I’m sad because those feelings stick with me all day long. I feel guilty for having shared emotions with a man who’s already spoken for.

The worst thing is that these dreams break my heart. Over and over again, when I realise that they are only dreams and the man is only a shadow who visits me when I sleep, I am sad. I am sad that he’s not really here. I am sad that I can’t pick up the phone and call him. I’m sad that I only know him when I’m asleep.

And sometimes, when I’m out at the shops, I find myself wishing he would walk through the door. I find myself wishing he’d come and whisper in my ear, just like he does in my dreams.

I’m sure this puts me somewhere on the crazy scale. But certainly I can’t be the only person out there who dreams of a man who fills her heart with joy. And, who knows, sometimes dreams come true …

Only In My Dreams
by Just Frances

He walks in the room; my heart skips a beat
He glances at me; I blush and look away
His smile is infectious as he walks toward me
The gentle kiss he greets me with sends shivers down my spine
He brushes my hair off my face; I blush again
Our fingers entwined; we gaze into each other’s eyes
The conversation is easy; the laughter is flowing
He whispers in my ear; I blush some more
Hand in hand, we begin to leave; and I wake up
And he’s not there; he was only in my dreams

Comments

Oh my - the’other man’dreams! My dreams were so vivid while pregnant that I was never sure by morning who was the wee guy’s father ... but that’s not a helpful comment at all.

by pomomama at 3:22pm (GMT) on April 2nd, 2013

The dreams aren’t too bad when the man isn’t with someone else (it’s always the same man). I never feel guilty or like I’m cheating, which is good. (It helps that I know Paul would actually want me to date.) The bad dreams are when he has a partner because then I feel like a horrible person for dreaming about being someone’s mistress! I know it’s ‘just a dream’ but I still feel bad.

They never get to the point where I’d worry about paternity though. The most exciting my dreams get is kissing. But that’s OK because I like kissing. (And I can’t believe it’s been more than three years since my last kiss!)

by Just Frances at 3:23pm (GMT) on April 2nd, 2013

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