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Post-phobia

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 10th, 2013 by Frances Ryan.
Tags: phd, ocd, letters, immigration, fear, faith, expat, crazy, confession

For several weeks now, I have been afraid of the post. If I’m at home when it arrives, I dread walking over to pick it up. If I’ve been at work, I dread coming home and opening my door to see a pile of post waiting for me. It’s such a change from my previous feelings toward the post when I used to jump off the couch and run to see what came in the day’s delivery, or when I used to excitedly return home hoping to see a letter addressed to me.

Oh yes, getting something in the post used to be so exciting! But now I’m expecting post with news about my future. In fact, I’m expecting a couple of different bits of post about a couple of different aspects of my future. And I’m afraid. I’m afraid that the news won’t be what I want. I’m afraid that the news will be upsetting and cause me to be an emotional wreck.

There is nothing I can do about the news I’m expecting. I’ve done my parts, and now I just have to wait. It is completely out of my control, yet the news that has the power to change my desired course.

I know that, regardless of what news the post may contain, I have the ultimate control over my life and I can re-set my course to get me to my destination (and all the rest of that positive outlook rubbish) but I am still afraid of the post. I am anxious. I am stressed out. And I am projecting my fears and worries. All because of a silly little envelope that may—or may not—contain upsetting news.

And even though I know it’s silly to worry about something I have no control over, I worry. And I’ve developed a little routine around my anxiety—mostly to try to calm myself down, though that doesn’t always work.

It’s funny because part of me doesn’t want the news to come, because that way I don’t have to face it, whilst another part of me wants the news to arrive tomorrow so that I can go back to looking forward to getting post again.

Oh, the life of a crazy woman. Aren’t you glad you stopped by to see what was on my mind?

The good side of this, I suppose, is that I've been reminded of how wonderful it is to receive happy things in the post. So, I'm going to take up my challenge to write a letter and send a bit of cheer to some random friends. (And you should, too!)

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