Just Frances

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Seller’s blues

This entry was posted on Friday, June 17th, 2011 by Frances Ryan.
Tags: widowhood, scotland, school, sad, paul, moving, house, happy, goals, giggles, fear

For two weeks now, I’ve been selling loads of stuff on CraigsList and I can’t believe how mixed my emotions are at the process. The stuff I’m selling is just stuff; random, run-of-the-mill stuff. It’s not treasured items with high sentimental value. It’s not extremely valuable antiques or jewellery. It’s just stuff.

My first sale was an old clothes drying rack. Simple, boring, but useful. And only $10. The next day I sold an IKEA outdoor table set and a bookshelf that was actually rescued from the Dumpster. As the week went on I added a vintage handbag and an awesome sewing stool to the list of sold items.

This week I’ve already sold a set of drinking glasses, a large wall mirror, a chain saw, a Crock-Pot, a popcorn maker, placemats and napkins, and a variety of garden tools. Oh—and I sold the washer and dryer, too.

I’ve got $425 to add to my savings account now, which is like £265 in today’s money, which will really help once I get to Scotland. It may not sound like much, but every penny I gather now means less relying on friends and family once I arrive.*

So, if it’s just ‘stuff’ and I’m adding to my savings, why am I so sad?

Maybe it’s because if Paul was here I wouldn’t be parting with this stuff because we’d still need it as part of our happy family plans. Maybe it’s because as the house empties I’m reminded that my life and my entire world have changed so drastically—and devastatingly—over the past two years. Maybe it’s because I’m so afraid that I’m going to fail in Scotland and be forced back to America where I will have only the clothes on my back and my failure to keep me company and I’ll be forced to start over again and again and again.

I am really, really looking forward to getting to Scotland and starting over. I really, really do believe that it’s the path I need to follow to find some joy in my life. But I really, really hate that it’s an extremely bumpy and hilly and poorly lit path. And once I get to Scotland, the path will be a bit bumpy, too. But, as there doesn’t appear to be an alternative path, I’ve just gotta suck it up and keep going…

Happy. Sad. Happy. Sad. Happy. Sad. This back-and-forth is really hard on a girl’s emotional well-being!

* Yes, I know my friends and family want to help and are happy to do so, but I want to stand on my own two feet as much as I can. I hate that I’m going to be poor again and I really hate the idea of asking for (or needing) handouts. But, as some of my wise friends and family have pointed out, I may need to swallow my pride and take the help. Still… every penny counts.

Comments

Speaking of, we need to figure out a date to meet up before you go. I will clear my schedule for you my dear. (I say that as if I have many important things to attend to:) And if you ever move back or strike it rich and want to send for it, I will happily hand your mirror back over my friend!

by Amy at 12:00pm (GMT) on June 17th, 2011

We absolutely need to get together! I will be in the homeland for most of July and until I fly out the first part of August. We will definitely need to figure out a good time to get together!

by Just Frances at 4:14pm (GMT) on June 17th, 2011

I know you don’t want handouts, but I’ll make sure you have a plentiful supply of plastic bags to waterproof your blankets with for your nights sleeping rough on the streets of Stirling.

don’t say I’m not good to you!

xx

by Rebecca at 10:35am (GMT) on June 18th, 2011

Oh, well I suppose I’ll take handouts of old shopping bags to stay dry… :)

by Just Frances at 12:15am (GMT) on June 19th, 2011

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