Just Frances

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The cruelty of random memories

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 14th, 2012 by Frances Ryan.
Tags: writing, widowhood, swirls, shopping, sad, running, paul, goals, fear, drawings, dissertation, crazy, confession

There is something ever-so-cruel about random memories. OK, not always. In fact, most of the time random memories are happy moments. But sometimes, like today, they’re just reminders of a future that was stolen from me.

For the past few days, life has been rather exciting and positive for me. There’s been a lot of progress made on my dissertation and I’ve even made a bit of progress in my job search—and I’ve been getting lots (OK, some) training in for my next marathon. And all of those things combined make me excited for my future. And excitement about my future meant that I wandered into town today to look at new gadgets and gizmos for my kitchen and at shoes and jackets and a few other things I’d like to buy.

So there I was, in this fabby little kitchen shop looking at slow cookers, when I was flooded with memories of the day before Paul died. We’d gone into town shopping and we looked at slow cookers and debated which one to get. In the end, we decided we’d hold off and get one the following weekend when we were in the Big City—but we went ahead and bought a chain saw, new additions for our Fiesta Ware collection, and new work shoes for me. (And instead of shopping in the Big City the next weekend, I was at Paul’s funeral.)

As I stood there trying to shake the memory, all I could think of was the conversations we’d had that day. Conversations about the kids we were getting ready to adopt; about the chores we had in for the garden the next day; about making plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas—with our future kids! And all of the sudden I was reminded that, even though I am excited about my future, I really miss my old life; I really miss Paul.

I slowly made my way around the kitchen shop, and even managed to browse through some clothing shops, but my mood was deflated and I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything. I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate my new future because I was too upset about the memories of my old dreams; the dreams I lost when I lost Paul. And as I walked home, I couldn’t keep the tears away. Which meant that by the time I got to my flat I couldn’t help but sob.

I feel so silly when these things happen because I should be happy right now. It really has been a good and positive week and there are so many things that should be making me laugh and smile. Yet still, I cried.

I’m feeling a tad less sorry for myself now though and I’m sure that I’ll be able to concentrate on the happy stuff soon enough. Today was just a momentary blip, all caused because of those cruel little random memories.

But enough of that; let’s talk about some of those positive future-y things, shall we? Specifically, the goal of earning my master’s degree!

Dissertation Month Update:

Current word count: 4,200 (only 7,800 to go!)

Again, that doesn’t seem like much, especially compared to what I had for my last update, but I’m nowhere near done writing for the day and I have about 400+ words scribbled down in a notebook that I wrote on the train the other day. So once those are added in—and I add a few bits to other sections—I may break 5,000 before I go to bed. In fact, maybe that will be my goal!

Tomorrow’s task list:

  • 4+ mile training run
  • Work party with classmate (again)
  • Finish literature review

[Image is my most recent swirl-in-progress. It’s been helping me relax in between fits of dissertation writing!]

Comments

I hate when things sneak up like that during a perfectly great day. But I’m glad that you are able to see that things will be ok so quickly. It’s a good sign, even if you only stated it and don’t really fully believe it. Life rarely ends up the same as what we dream, but you’re one of the few people I’ve seen achieve them. You do more things in a week then I do in a year. You have an amazing life ahead of you and I know whatever you set your mind to, you’ll achieve.

by Sharon at 2:13am (GMT) on July 15th, 2012

Thanks, Sharon. I am pleased that the majority of these little moments pass quickly—unlike the early days when one upsetting moment could spin me into tears for days! It’s just that I really wanted to treat myself to something nice today. Only I know that if I buy things when I’m upset (even if I really want/need it) I always remember being upset when I look at it. So, I never shop sad/mad/unhappy!

But there are really some positive things on the horizon for me. I just need to stay focused on them!! x

by Just Frances at 2:55am (GMT) on July 15th, 2012

you really wouldn’t be human if you didn’t react to memories.
x

by ebbandflo (@pomomama) at 7:02am (GMT) on July 15th, 2012

True. And I suppose that these occasional bad reactions are worth the hundred of smiles and laughter the memories normally bring! x

by Just Frances at 3:21pm (GMT) on July 15th, 2012

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