Although the storm still rages

Today marks five years since I lost my beloved husband so suddenly; so unexpectedly. You’d think that after five years it would feel like a distant memory, but there are still days when it feels like it was only yesterday.

Yes, there are days when I am carefree and happy and excited about my future. There are days when I can see myself in a loving relationship with someone new, confident in the knowledge that my Paul would want that for me. There are days when life is good and wonderful and I’m OK.

Those days are plentiful in my life right now.

But then there are days when I am sad and lonely and frightened that my future will be more of the same. There are days when I don’t want to think about a new relationship because I want to have the one I had with Paul. There are days when life is miserable and depressing and I’m definitely not OK.

Thankfully, those days are few, but it still aches that they’re there at all.

There is a song I think of often when I think of Paul. It’s one of two songs we thought of using for our first dance at our wedding and it will always have special meaning to me because of that. In fact, when asked for a poem for the order of service at his funeral, it was that song I chose – all but the last verse which didn’t seem fitting at the time.

The last verse seems to fit my life these days though because although there is still a storm of grief raging in my soul, I can feel the warmth on my face from a new dawn that’s approaching.

Five years. Can it really be that long? The calendar says so, even if my heart, mind, and soul don’t want to believe it.

Still the Only One
The Saw Doctors

All of the fighting is over
All of the battles are won
All of the words have been spoken

And you are still the only one
All of the heavens have opened
All of the rivers have run
All of the dams have been broken
And you are still the only one

The only one, the only one
You are still the only one
And all of the time we have taken
All of the joy and the fun
All of the years, the tears, and the fears
And you are still the only one

Although the winter storm still rages
There’s a new dawn just begun
Full of hope and new courageous
And you are still the only one

The only one, the only one
You are still the only one
The only one, the only one
You are still the only one

Paul, I wish you were here to ease the storm, but I know you can’t be. I have hope that there will be joy in my future, and knowing how happy that will make you keeps me going; keeps me hoping. I luv ya, luv. x

[Photo note: This was a “selfie” taken by mistake back in 2007 and was always one of Paul’s favourite photos of the two of us because he thought it was fun and “arty”. I think what I love best about it is how much he loved it!]