First snow’s sorrow

The first flakes of snow have started to hit the region and while it’s blanketing the ground with soft, white flakes, my heart and soul feel like they are being weighed down with sorrow. I didn’t expect a simple weather change to affect me so profoundly and I’m finding it a little hard to cope with the thought of a long winter.

Note: This post was originally shared on my “widowhood” blog, “Frances 3.0: Still in Beta”.

I’ve been dreading the winter for several weeks now. Dreading the cold, dreading the thought of being stuck at home alone when the roads out of town close down and dreading not having someone to curl up on the couch with while the fire crackles away. The first snowfall was always a happy time for me in the past. But today it began at the end of a very long, very stressful week and it was just enough to break me.

Making the slow and precarious drive home, I could imagine what it would have been like if Paul was still here. I could imagine the excitement on his face – and the excitement of the children we were meant to be adopting. I could imagine being greeted with joy, and a cup of tea or a Martini to celebrate the blanket of snow. I could imagine the four of us grabbing the sledges and taking a run down the hill. Snowball fights, snow angels, icicles hanging from the eves, and snow piled up around the property. Instead, I pulled into the driveway and sobbed. When I finally made it into the house, I cried some more.

I don’t know if this new onset of sorrow is because of the snow, or if the snow was just the final straw. I know that the last few days have been filled with stress and confusion and that I’ve been overwhelmed with everything going on right now. I’ve been feeling so conflicted with my emotions and I don’t know which ones to give top billing to. I’m so happy to be going to the UK to see family and friends, but I’m so very sad to be getting ready to celebrate my first Thanksgiving without Paul. I’m so sad that Paul’s birthday will come and go without a card on the mantle. I’m so sad that Paul won’t be at his university reunion dinner. I have so many things to be happy about, but so many things to be sad about. And I just don’t know what to be.

I want so desperately to be happy, but I haven’t figured out how to do that without also being sad. I want to be happy when I think of Paul. I want to be happy when I think of my future. I want to be happy when I think of my past. I want to be happy when the seasons change and when Mother Nature shares her beauty with the world. I am struggling with combining tears and joy, but I know it will get easier with time. It has to get easier with time because I can’t imagine a world where something as innocent and pure as snow can cause such sorrow.