Sometimes I want to…
Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to yell. I want to shout. I want to wail about how unfair everything seems at times.
Sometimes I want to sob hysterically. I want to cry. I want to sulk. I want to curl up into a ball and never leave my bed and just think about how lovely the world used to be.
Sometimes I want to break something. I want to smash a plate. I want to slam a door. I want to punch a wall something soft just to release the energy that seems to build up.
Sometimes I want to flee. I want to run as fast as I can. I want to drive until I run out of gas. I want to catch a Greyhound going anywhere but here then I can pretend that I’m someone else; that my life is completely different than what it is.
Those sometimes seem to come less frequently these days, but they come so out of the blue when I thought that those sometimes were almost gone forever. Those sometimes catch me off guard when they come that way!
Thankfully, in between those sometimes I laugh and enjoy life.
In between those sometimes I can look at my past and smile at the memories.
In between those sometimes I can look toward the horizon and see a future that is bright and full of joy.
In between those sometimes I know how lucky I am to have my family and friends – no matter how far away they live.
In between those sometimes I have my faith to keep me strong.
And in between those sometimes I know that I will be mostly happy despite the days when sometimes creeps up on me so unexpectedly.
hate those off-guard moments – total energy-sappers.
grrrr begone! shoo!
but sometimes it’s the grey which makes the rest of life so much more vibrant (tho’ i realise i’m speaking from a position of having my chosen family close and around me. i have no idea how i’d feel if they weren’t)
how long would it take me to run across the border with chocolate?
It’s just frustrating sometimes. I think partly because the ‘old’ Frances was pretty calm, reasonable, and rational most of the time and the ‘new’ Frances gets flustered and frustrated so easily some days.
So, if you go through Blaine then take I-5 and I-90, I’m about 8 hours away… I think you’d manage to eat all the chocolate by the time you got here! 😉 (Which is OK since I am more of a savory snack kind of gal!)
Note to self: Call to check on passport status for foster daughter so that we can come visit. After all, I have a couple of Loonies laying around here someplace…
Yes, oh yes, oh yes pls on the visit!
plus i have some huge bars of chocolate so maybe they would survive and eight hour (eight hours!!!!!!) drive – will remember to pack some savouries too.
i wasn’t ever calm or unflusterable, but i could pull myself out of whatever it was that was bothering me under my own steam in the past. another online friend explained to to me by explaining how she used to deal with her own depressive episodes pre-child (by sleeping it off and hibernating from the world) and how this kind of strategy just didn’t work now since she couldn’t withdraw. ditto for me – my amazing Wee Guy makes sure i do not/cannot withdraw. hence i was not ‘dealing with it’ in my old way and have had to learn a new method. until i realised what was going on i was appalled at how i was handling Life In General and what a shitty cow I was being mostly.
now i just realise, i’m giving my boys a taste of The Menopause so they need to develop some strategies of their own (wee guy’s will be by going thru puberty ho ho ho)
eight hours???/ (from the gal who is still getting used to scale of the continent in which she lives)
8 hours and you’d drive off the end of the UK
When I first saw a small snip-it of your post, I thought wow I need to read the whole thing! It is really interesting to see that I am not the only one who feels these feelings! good job at expressing yourself! Keep up the good work!
Thanks, Lacie. It’s frustrating feeling this way at times, but it does help to write it down at times.
I’ve just had a peek at your blog and can’t wait to read about how you get on without your mobile phone for a week. I don’t know that I could even pretend to attempt such a feat! (Good luck!)
The ‘sometimes’ really suck don’t they! And particularly when they sneak up on you all unawares and take you by surprise.
You’re doing so well coping with it all, don’t ever forget that. You continue to be my inspiration. Now, I know that doesn’t make the ‘sometimes’ much easier to deal with, but remember I’m always here with a virtual hug for you.
(And if we can sort it out right at Christmas/New Year, perhaps even a real hug too?)
xx
Thank you, Rebecca! Having friends like you really does help keep the ‘sometimes’ at bay most times.
And I find so much inspiration from you, too.
Am holding out hope for a Canadian Christmas still…
x