Struggling with apathy
I have these conversations in my head where I shout at myself for being so stressed and unhappy and apathetic, then I tell myself to just stick it out because I will snap out of it as soon as I’m done working and I’ve moved to Scotland. But as much as I want to believe that, I sometimes fear that I’m lying to myself.
There is no doubt in my mind that I am absolutely miserable right now. I can’t seem to function the way I did two years ago. I’ve lost all of my passion for life. I can’t bring myself to care about my diet the way I used to. I can’t bring myself to care about running the way I used to. I can’t bring myself to enjoy anything the way I used to.
I get through most days telling myself that it will get better as soon as I’m done working. I tell myself it will get better as soon as am away from these reminders of the hopes and dreams I had with Paul. And I tell myself that it will get better as soon as I can start concentrating on my new future in my new home.
I’m convinced that when I get to Scotland I will laugh again; when I get to Scotland life will be OK again. I will walk more; run more; eat better; sleep better.
But lately, I’ve also started to worry that I will be just as miserable there as I am here. And I suppose that in some ways, it will be more stressful than the life I have now because there are so many unknowns.
There are certain things I know to be true: I am extremely unhappy where I am now and I don’t want to stay here – where I build dreams with Paul – without Paul. If I remain where I am now – living the life I’m living now – I will soon go into full-on depression and end up institutionalised. I feel at peace and at home in Scotland and have always been happy there. I have a passion for higher education and actually look forward to studying and being in the classroom again.
I think I’m doing the right thing. I really do. But I guess that I’m afraid that I’m totally screwing up. I wish I had a crystal ball so that I knew if it all worked out or not.
Oh well, I guess there’s only one way to find out.
And as your reward for reading my mindless ramble, here’s a pretty picture I made for you when fiddling around with Photoshop today. Yay!
“To reach a port, we must sail—Sail, not tie at anchor—Sail, not drift.”
Franklin Roosevelt
You have a purpose and a goal; you will succeed.
One thing is sure
There is nothing to it but to do it!
Life is too short, you always can come home.
Be adventurous follow your heart 😎
i’m sorry but my first response was to grin – it was at your post title, struggling with apathy. i’m sure that struggling with apathy is a complete oxymoron – the correct way to approach apathy, if making any headway toward it is in essence appropriate, is to do nothing and let it wash over you er, … apathetically (yes, me and my gifted vocabulary).
but
i know where you are coming from in terms of the “will i ever be not sad and depressed again?” thing. i don’t have your grief but i can identify with the slide into being totally and utterly and overwhelmingly sad about life in general. i did, and still do, worry that ‘this’ is my natural state. it’s taken quite a while but no, i now do not believe i am a naturally moody, sad, unhappy and depressed bitch, and that i am capable of living a contented, happy, productive, confident life.
i have a good husband, a lovely son, a roof over my head, relatively few immediate money worries – and a huge amount of guilt and angst about feeling the way i did/do, standing in the way of progress. apparently i “have it all” which made working thru my mindset even more difficult. there is no magic wand. it does take a lot of hard work. for me it meant swallowing the hokey of group therapy and “practising gratitude” every day to positive-ify up my mind and neural connections.
Frances – you have other demons to work through, but you shouldn’t give up on yourself. You will eventually pull yourself through all of this – just don’t give up on yourself. As I learned, no one else can do this for you but you are stronger than you think. And you’re worth it.
Keep struggling with that apathy, go girl.
I can echo what pomomama said and add that I really believe your sadness will get better when you move back to Scotland. It won’t be perfect and I’m sure you will still have moments of sadness. But there is something about having possibilities and options and new scenery that will help in the healing process. I’m sure of it!!
I know exactly how you feel – you and I have both made decisions to force change (which is…I promise you….a good thing). But you know what – this whole process is like bungee jumping (not that I ever have….but I once jumped off a very high wall as part of a trust exercise *shudders*). Argh, where was I….oh, it’s like bungee jumping – from the moment you decide to do it, until the moment you’re putting your harness on, you’re thinking “what on EARTH am I doing”, “what’s going to happen”, “what if…”, “[insert apporpriate stressful question here]”. But once your feet leave that platform/wall/cliff/bridge – you’re still scared, but you’ve let go and you can finally just ‘go with it’ and enjoy it! 🙂 And you WILL enjoy it – and then it will become easier.
Ok, I’ll shut up now! 😀
Thanks everyone! I think that part of my struggles and fears come from not having someone to share these things with. I know I have this blog and I know that when things get really bad I can pick up the phone and go ‘blah’ to a friend on the other end, but I don’t have that slow release option. Or maybe I have the option but I can’t seem to find it with these bloody blinders on!
It will get better. Scotland will be hard—really hard. But I know it’s going to be the best fix for my life right now. And I love the bungee cord analogy, b2b!!
Oh, and pomomama: I laughed at your first comment because I laughed when I wrote the title. I used that title because I’m really feeling apathetic about so many things and I’m struggling with finding ways to end that apathy. (If that makes sense.)