Waiting for a future

Waiting has got to be one of the hardest things in the world when your entire future depends on the outcome. But waiting is what I do these days. I wait. And wait. And wait. And as I wait, I stress and worry. But still, I wait. Because sometimes there’s no hurrying the answer; there’s no bypassing the wait.

Right now, I am waiting to learn the outcome of my work visa. I am waiting to learn if I will get an interview for the PhD studentship I applied for on Monday. And I am waiting to learn the outcome of today’s PhD studentship interview.

It’s the last one that has me really stressed and worried at the moment because it’s the one I’m pinning my hopes and dreams on. It’s the one that would answer so many of my other concerns about my future; it’s the one that I think will make me the happiest.

You may recall that I was uncertain about applying for this specific PhD in the first instance. But after reading up more on not only the research project but on the future of an Education PhD, I became rather keen on the idea. So much so that I allowed myself to hope for it; to dream for it.

And today, I was honoured and humbled to have had the chance to interview for the studentship.

But, as often happens after an interview, I am now uncertain about it all. Not about the research or the PhD that would come of it, but about my fumbled attempt at delivering answers to the questions. I am convinced that I came off sounding like an uneducated, dyslexic, speech-impeded, redneck.

I want this placement as much as I need it. I am so excited about the opportunities and the future it will bring me, and I am ready and willing to do the hard work that it will entail. But I fear that there will be someone better suited than me. I fear that the project’s supervisor is looking for someone different.

I know I’m smart. I know I can do this. I know that if I’m not chosen it’s not a reflection on me, but rather a reflection on someone else who is a better match.

But knowing all of that doesn’t make the wait for an answer any less stressful. After all, the outcome of today’s interview will have a direct impact on my future – a future that I hope will go one way, but fear will go another. Still, there is a future. Somewhere. Somehow. I’m just tired of waiting for it.