Just Frances

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A new me for a new year

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 1st, 2014 by Frances Ryan.
Tags: sad, health, goals, fear, ego, confession

It’s a new year, so it’s time for a new me. OK, not a new me, but hopefully an improved me. Yes, it’s time to take charge of my life and fix a few things.

You see, I lost a lot of my self esteem, self confidence, and self identity when Paul died and I have struggled to get them back. I mean, I’m certainly better now than I was when I first moved to the Frances 3.0 platform, but I’m not the me that I loved so much—I’m not the me that I miss so much. (And I recognise that with the 3.0 [read: widowhood] upgrade I will never be that person again, but I want to reclaim some of that identity!)

I've talked in the past about my taunting weaknesses and my saving strengths, but this time, I'm ready to tackle a bit of those pesky weaknesses—with the help of my strengths, I hope!

One of the problems I’ve had in the past few years is that I’ve been focusing on the wrong problems; I’ve been focusing on things I have no control over; I've been focusing on the actions (and inactions) of others instead of the reactions of my own.

Specifically, I’ve been yearning for healthy and happy relationships with people I’ve never had healthy and happy relationships with. I’ve been yearning for acceptance from people who only want me if I’m willing to be like them—instead of different like me. And that’s caused me a lot of heartache and grief.

I’ve also attempted to remain friends with people who often leave me feeling bad about myself. But I’ve convinced myself that they mean well and that they’re my friends and therefore it’s OK. Only it’s not OK because you shouldn’t cry after spending time with friends. Right? (Please tell me I’m right!)

So, basically, I’ve been allowing myself to feel bad about myself because of how others view me and my quirkiness*. And I do it over and over again—despite knowing that I shouldn’t.

To that, I’ve decided I need to stop letting other people make me feel bad. It’ll be hard, but I have to try to succeed because I’m tired of crying because the people I love hurt me. (Though I maintain that no one means to hurt me; it’s just the way our personalities clash.)

I don’t really know how I’m going to do this, but here are some of my initial plans:

  • Find a way to be OK with people not accepting me as me
  • Find a way to be OK with walking away from the people who hurt me over and over again
  • Find a way to stop wishing for what I don’t have and to start being more appreciative of what I do have
  • Become comfortable with my own style and stop seeking approval from others (be me for me)
  • Continue working on my every-day life goals in the hopes of regaining some of my self esteem

As I said, I don’t really know how I will accomplish some of the above plans, but I’m going to try. And with luck, my self esteem, self confidence, and self identity will be on more stable footing by the end of the year.

Welcome to my life, 2014. Now let’s have some fun!

* Thankfully, I have a strong group of friends and family (near and far) who do accept me for me—quirkiness and all—and they'll certainly be there as I try to improve my wellbeing this year.

Comments

I’m right here, my sweet friend and sister! You are amazing and I look forward to watching you blossom this year! I love you for you, for your quirkiness, for your sense of humor, for your brilliance, and for your huge, kind heart! (How’s that for overuse of exclamation marks?!) ;’)

by Jeanne Blackburn Nicholson at 4:21pm (GMT) on January 1st, 2014

Only you can change/control yourself. You can’t change others. Be yourself, let others be themselves and be choosy with your friends. Keep the ones that make you better and let go of the ones who bring you down.

You are a very strong, bright, funny person. I wish you the best on this life quest. And yes, life is a journey. Don’t expect to reach your goals in a single year. Keep a few always on the horizon.

Love you!

by Ant Elizabeth at 5:39pm (GMT) on January 1st, 2014

Your Aunt and Sister have put it very well.  The only thing I would add is that it’s okay to cry after visiting a friend…IF, and that’s a big IF, you are crying because you already miss them, but know that you’ll be seeing them and enjoying their company again one day.  But if you cry because they make you sad, then say goodbye and good riddance.

I’m in your corner and please know that I always will be.  I love you.

by Mom at 8:12pm (GMT) on January 1st, 2014

Sorry that I stole this from Mr. Joel…
but I think this pretty much sums up how most of us who like the you you are feel.

Don’t go changing to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don’t imagine you’re too familiar
And I don’t see you anymore

I would not leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times
I take you just the way you are

​Don’t go trying some new fashion
​Don’t change the color of your hair
​You always have my unspoken passion
​Though I might not seem to care

​I don’t want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
Ah, what will it take till you believe in me?
The way that I believe in you?

I said I love you and that’s forever
And this I promise from the heart
But I couldn’t love you any better
I love you just the way you are

and I do my dear friend Frances, don’t change one thing about you that you love.
Good luck and Happy New Year!!!!​

by Joanne at 9:16pm (GMT) on January 1st, 2014

Thank you, ladies! I am so blessed to have so many people who do love and accept me just as I am, but I unable to move past the fact that some of the people who are “meant to” love me unconditionally don’t. Some of them have been in my life for as long as I can remember and they’ve always tried to make me conform. (Maybe that’s why I fight so hard not to conform?)

It really hurts me deeply to know that I will have to walk away from some of these people, but I recognised over the past few years that I’m beating myself up over these relationships and I’m tired of crying to my friends/family who do love me about those who don’t.

The scary thing is that I feel that by no longer trying to have a healthy relationship with some of these people, I will come off as being uncaring and selfish. But the thing is, I can’t keep doing what I’m doing because it’s killing me inside bit by bit. And if I need to appear as selfish to save my own being, I guess I need to learn to accept that label. The people who really know me will know that I am not selfish at all. And I shouldn’t care what the others think! <3

by Just Frances at 11:13am (GMT) on January 2nd, 2014

So, you may appear to be selfish to those people who treat you like crap? Who cares? Let it go. Try to keep doors open, but just don’t try walking through them until you are sure it is safe. Let the other folk/s make the move. take care of yourself first. that is a critical thing I have learned (tho not always easy to adhere to). If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will, and then what good are you to yourself or those who do love you and want to spend time with you. If that is selfish, then sign me up.

by Ant Elizabeth at 9:23pm (GMT) on January 4th, 2014

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