A quiet reflection
I’ve been a little quiet lately, and it seems that my absence from the digital world has been noticed. I guess that when people expect to keep up with your life through your website, Facebook, and Twitter accounts, they get a little antsy when you cease using all of them at once—as evident by the number of messages I’ve received through the various portals the last couple of days.
Most people have just popped a quick note to check that I’m still here and that I’m OK. Am I sick? If so, do I need groceries or to be otherwise nursed? Am I sad? If so, do I need some jokes or words of inspiration? Am I busy? Am I out of town? Am I “loved up”?
But one person developed a story of his own, hoping that his reason for my absence was correct. In his story, the man of my dreams came to whisk me away on a romantic seaside holiday where he professed his love for me and provided me with a cheque to cover my PhD tuition—and a bank account to cover all of my other bills. (In his story, the man of my dreams is a wealthy, childless, Catholic widower who dreams of adopting lots of kids with me.)
Alas, none of the above are the reason for my quietness. Rather, my silence is down to a bit of self-reflection that began on Saturday after an unpleasant experience. And since it’s an experience that I can’t seem to fully shake, I’ll share it here with you. (I’m no longer upset about it, just frustrated and a little angry.)
Long story short: I agreed to a dinner date with a man who had spent the previous weeks flirting with me. We had a lovely evening and I found myself thinking that I’d like to see him again. The next day, I ran into him when I was in Glasgow. Only he wasn’t alone; he was with his wife and daughter, and all of the sudden he was sporting a wedding band!*
I found the situation to be upsetting and I let it get to me. I let the dishonest actions of someone else shake me to the core and I found myself questioning so much about my own life—and my own future—because of it. And so, I’ve been very reflective these past few days—and therefore very quiet.
I’ve been reflecting on a couple of personal relationships that I’m struggling with. I’ve been reflecting on my financial future—and how I will pay for my PhD. I’ve been reflecting on my health and the future of my health. I've been reflecting on my failed attempts at reentering the dating world—and on if I need to date at all. And I’ve been reflecting on my life in general and what I can do to make it happier and more fulfilling.
So, that’s why I’ve been quiet. (Are you sorry you asked?)
But let’s go ahead and end this on a high note, shall we?
Late this afternoon I got a call from someone at Edinburgh Napier University inviting me to interview for the PhD studentship I applied for. I was starting to feel a bit down about my application as the deadline was 10 days ago and I hadn’t had so much as a receipt confirmation, so this little bit of happiness transformed my outlook a bit.
I know I’ve already been accepted to two other universities (Glasgow and Stirling) but my ego really wants to be accepted to every university I apply to. Of course, there’s a difference between being invited for an interview and being offered a place to study, so I won’t pop the Champagne cork just yet ...
* We only had dinner; there was no kissing or hand-holding or anything else. Whilst you could say that it was all innocent in that case, he clearly wasn’t wearing a wedding band (I always look!) and never once mentioned a wife (current, ex, or otherwise) or child. It was very clear that he wanted me to have the impression that he was a single and available man.