Just Frances

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Life laughs

This entry was posted on Monday, January 19th, 2015 by Frances Ryan.
Tags: widowhood, stubborn, sad, rant, phd, itp, health, goals, fear, faith, ego, dating, crazy, confession

Sometimes I feel like the world is laughing at me; like life is laughing at me. Sometimes I feel like my entire life has been one failed attempt at happiness after another—though with short bursts of joy before tragedy strikes!

I get so frustrated because it feels like every time I reach for the brass ring, I get thrown from the horse. Every time I start to think that life is getting better and that things are going my way, things begin to fall apart.

I feel as if life enjoys laughing at my attempts to clamber to my feet. It mocked me as my happy marriage turned to unexpected widowhood. It laughed at me when I attempted to find new love. It takes great glee when my platelet counts crash, setting me back on my running goals.

Life giggles as my potential successes turn into depressing failures. It snickers when I begin to think things are actually going to work out. It laughs. It just laughs, and laughs, and laughs.

I know none of this is actually the case and that sometimes bad things just happen. It’s just that it seems to happen with a frustrating frequency sometimes. And right now, life is spending a lot of time laughing at me. I just can’t seem to catch a break.

If you haven’t guessed, I’m feeling very down and frustrated right now. I guess it’s because there are so many little things that aren’t working out the way I’d hoped (or even at all!) and when they all pile up it’s difficult to count my blessings.

I have a couple of potential good things to look forward to in the coming weeks and I’m trying to stay positive and focused. But I admit that it’s hard to concentrate because life is laughing so very loudly at the moment.

But I have to keep going. I keep hoping and planning and wishing and praying for things to go my way—even if only slightly. Call it stubbornness or courage or madness or sheer stupidity… but I have to keep going; I have to keep hoping.

So if you’re a praying kind of person, I wouldn’t mind a few prayers for strength and courage on my behalf. And hopefully soon, I’ll have a couple of exciting “Hey! Guess what I’ve succeeded in!” posts to share before too long.

Hoping, hoping, always hoping…

Note: Yes, I know that I am actually quite blessed to have what little I do have in the world—especially when compared to others—but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel upset and frustrated when things go wrong. I am always one to count my blessings, am even as I wrote about my frustrations with life’s laughter, I was able to remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for, too.

Comments

Thank you for sharing; and know that whilst some of us are destined to get more than our share of laughter in the circus of life, we can also be the ones that matter to others the most.

by Life's clown at 10:10pm (GMT) on January 19th, 2015

Hi Frances,
Just discovered your blog after some online research for ITP. I wanted to say thank you for the wealth of information and personal experiences that you have shared. I was diagnosed a month ago (I’m 30 years old) and I’ve been hospitalized, received transfusions, prednisone, IVIG treatment, and now on dexamethasone. I’m in a whirlwind to say the least. I look forward to following your journey and blog… I couldn’t help but notice you use Untapped! I’m a huge craft beer gal here in South Carolina and in the back of my head I’ve been wondering how that will fit into my new lifestyle and disease… anyways. Thanks for the great writing. :)

by Shannon B at 9:18pm (GMT) on July 11th, 2015

Hi, Shannon. Thanks so much for getting in touch. I’m pleased to hear you’ve enjoyed my writings; it makes me happy to know I can help others make sense of this silly ITP thing. It can be a long journey, but most people do go into remission so there’s no reason to think you won’t be one of them.

As for the beer, alcohol can slow the production of platelets but casual or moderate drinking isn’t generally a problem. It’s certainly worth talking to your doctor about it if you’re worried though.

Please feel free to get in touch if you have any questions. It seems like a frightening thing, but a little knowledge can take the fears away!

Good luck!
Frances

by Just Frances at 10:01am (GMT) on July 12th, 2015

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